Trying to type this whilst listening to the buzzing of a vortex of bluebottles all under the influence of some ghastly drug of paralysis, is difficult. Not for me but for Smidgeon who finds them fascinating and revolting at the same time. She has eaten too many already and i don't want her ingesting any more toxins tonight. God knows, last nights mouse cull was sufficient murder and consumption for one day.
There is a distinct smell of putrefaction lurking around certain areas of this house. There are bodies hidden in areas of Fag End that I can't find but I can definitely smell. These are secret places that only a small creature would know of and be easily able to locate. I have found a few by lying on the floor and shining a very bright torch into darkened corners under beds, sofas, benches and carpet. Sam and I have ripped off "under cabinet plinths" to locate a particular stench but to no avail. The bodies of mice and baby rats are strewn like confetti outside my bedroom doors. Less than half of the bodies have been found and disposed of carefully, (or in Sam's case just hurled into the garden). "Please tell me you didn't just do that Sam". "They're like fuckin boomerangs these mice, you know it will be back?"
Well I may not always locate the source of the smell of death in my own home but you can guess who, or rather what , can. BLUEBOTTLE FLIES. Like mice, they do not travel alone. If you find one, guess what, you may well find another hundred or a lot lot more. I,m quite fond of mice, even dead ones, they are soft and pretty and on the whole I rather like mammals, but flies...... jeez, that's a whole other thing. If you over think stuff, (heaven forbid I should ever do that), its the alien quality of the 6/8 legged , exoskeleton, multi faceted body and way too many eyes, that just gives us the heebiejeebies.
But I Digress
So gobsmacked am I regarding the current state of the British political situation that a blog regarding putrefaction, bluebottles and 3 Blind Mice has become some kind of analogy for the turmoil and chaos we find ourselves in. Dante had a point or rather a spiral down to Hell and I think we may be on it. They are dying like flies around me.
What we all Need are Pictures of Kittens and Here they Come.
Aslan the Handsome and Smidgeon Sweet Face I Love You, would like to introduce you to....
The Lady in the Van
I bought one of these. Its an ex John Lewis van. I love Her.
She has windows that go up and down at the touch of a button rather than the winding mechanism in my old van which was defeated by frost/ice/heat/rubber seals and exhaustion.
She has Air Conditioning. O.M.G. Menopausal Me is now cool.
She has wing mirrors that move automatically for the best view. I know, i know, you don,t have to wind the window down to alter their position, how amazing is that?
She has a key fob that flashes locked or unlocked and opens different doors or all the doors!
The drivers seat has more positions than the Karma Sutra and the front and back windows have heated screens with wipers that are SILENT!!
But best of all....the drivers seat has an arm rest. AN ARM REST... I ASK YOU. WTF
I may have moved into the 21st century
She has windows that go up and down at the touch of a button rather than the winding mechanism in my old van which was defeated by frost/ice/heat/rubber seals and exhaustion.
She has Air Conditioning. O.M.G. Menopausal Me is now cool.
She has wing mirrors that move automatically for the best view. I know, i know, you don,t have to wind the window down to alter their position, how amazing is that?
She has a key fob that flashes locked or unlocked and opens different doors or all the doors!
The drivers seat has more positions than the Karma Sutra and the front and back windows have heated screens with wipers that are SILENT!!
But best of all....the drivers seat has an arm rest. AN ARM REST... I ASK YOU. WTF
I may have moved into the 21st century
This was my old van, scene of many a crime, famous amongst certain students and winner in the "narrow Bristol double parked street chicken awards:. She never failed me.
This is her interior. Perfect for getting the kettle on and eating your lunch in peace. She has been bought by a family of Whippet owners from Coventry who want to use her as a mobile lounge for the dogs while the mum is at work. Couldn't have gone to a better home.
This is the interior of my new van when I got her. I lined the sides with old duvets and bought an "off the shelf ply lining kit" which i painted,
As you can see Smidgeon was extremely helpful in the fitting process, checking out the pluckability of the old carpet tiles and working out the aesthetics of retro fitted fabrics with charity shop cast offs. "Are those bits of wood you used from the reclaimed fence panels you had done? Cripes, I hope you sanded and oiled them?"
Didn't take anymore "makeover" photos. Just got on with the job of fitting it out. All the fabrics used actually came from John Lewis at some point in their lives. The blue circular cushions, (pads from Jonelle), were made from a fabric that was bought in 1967 in Caleys in Windsor. Its all Sanderson fabric which I,m reliably informed amounts to more money than I paid for the van. I think that both Caleys and Jonelle may now be defunct. So am I. Liberation at last.
Smidgeon says, " Never buy a car that you can't make a cup of tea in."
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